a bit of pain

There is some pain in every life. It is always so. I think that my pain is greater than yours or someone else's but that may not be so - the pain may simply be different. My pain is my son. He is 7 and very cute. He will no doubt grow up to be extremely good-looking. But he loves too much. He has a big heart and is far more childish than acceptable. He does not know how to calibrate his affection or his anger. He talks too little and not all of what he says makes sense. I keep telling him"Speak properly - don't act like a fool - stop doing this". I know it sounds awful. And today he was making such a hue and cry over a missing button that I completely lost it in the morning. I spanked him hard and told him to stop screaming about a goddamn button. And I felt like crap. My mother, the oracle went on and on about how she doesn't know how his future will turn out if I continue like this - how he will never improve if I spank him - how God only knows what will happen to him. I told her he is too dumb to have any future and please keep quiet.Then I apologized to my son and he says " I am sorry Amma" - and we hugged for a long time.

I keep trying to figure out what I did wrong with him. I have been too impatient but would that cause hyperactivity or a lack of speaking ability ? Maybe - I don't really know. What I do know is that I long for a day I can leave him on his own with the knowledge that he can take care of himself completely.I wonder why I can't accept him as he is instead of looking at him as a walking reminder of how I failed as a mother. How do I explain that I am angry at myself for failing him and I can't face him because I can't face myself?