Why do we teach our girls to be accepting? Why do we teach
our girls to be obedient? Why do we teach our girls that they have to do it
all? Most of all, why do we teach our girls that marriage or finding a partner
is something that is non-negotiable. You have to get married. And you have to
procreate but then that can at least not be enforced. Marriage has been and in
many cases continues to be enforced in our country. The pressure is applied
either physically or mentally or may be even both ways. If you were the product of a
certain age when obedience was the most sought-after characteristic in a girl,
you would be doomed to be married to literally anyone on the damn road who fit
the bill the family decided on.
The future of such a marriage most often follows a given
pattern. It does not matter if the girl was educated or not. After marriage,
she has to be the one to do all the cooking. The newly besotted husband might
help but then again many don’t. She cannot actually express a wish that her
husband were more able to give her pleasure in bed because hey, which virtuous
woman wants pleasure? Every true Indian woman should have sex only with her
husband and only for the purpose of child bearing. Her pleasure is immaterial.
But his, is important. If you aren’t accommodating enough, he could leave you
and go to another woman and you know what, its all your fault! You are the
frigid one. My son has needs after all.
In addition to the cooking, she has to do the laundry,
oversee the cleaning if there are maids or be the maid herself when there aren’t
any (as is most often the case in Kerala, much vaunted for its literacy but of
late so steeped in patriarchy, one cannot wish for any girl to be born there)
and take care of the children. She should also go out and work. If the children
are ill, she has to sit at home. If you have a child with disability then as
the mother, you are solely responsible because it was your bad karma that
brought it about and everyone knows these things happen because the mother has
done a lousy job of raising the kids.
At the end of all this prepare to not be thanked once, to be
vilified at every opportunity and to be belittled or told you are not good
enough for that wonderful piece of manhood that you are married to. Tell me,
what sane woman would want to be married in this freaking country? Why would you
sacrifice your life, your dreams, your every chance of happiness to be chained
to an institution that even now only believes in the rights of men to be
served, cared for and fawned upon. Even some of the most educated women that I
have met either fall into the trap or believe in this system when they should
be fighting it.
I am not saying every marriage is like this but the majority
are. I am not saying that it happened to me but something similar happens to
nearly everyone or at least aspects of it do. Look around you. How many men had
to give up promising careers because they had kids? How many men are there who
are doing things you could do better but you cannot now because you are pulling
the whole weight at home? How many men do you know who can just walk out saying
they have to travel on work or work through the night with no thought of
whether their spouse has something more important to do than juggle the million
things which need to be juggled to keep things going smoothly? Of course the
two spouses could just forget the kids and place them in front of gadgets and
do whatever they want but that would come back to bite them badly in due time.
There is patriarchy of all kinds. The bland assumption from
a spouse that you will take care of the kids even if you are on fire. The implied
criticism from in-laws that you aren’t doing enough and are living off your hardworking
husband. The constant tears from your own parents who bemoan the fact that they
gave off a smart daughter in marriage who eventually became the unhappiest
version of herself within a few years – trapped by an inability to leave and
unable to pursue what gives her joy, never helped by the family who owns her
and always made to feel less than a human being because god forbid she starts
feeling capable and confident – for then how can things go on smoothly? The
unquestioned right of the man to dictate things like how his wife should dress
or wear her hair. The ridiculous need to
feed the said husband’s ego and fragile sense of self by constantly reassuring
him that he is smarter even when you know its not true. Isn’t all of this
patriarchy?
For me patriarchy is a silent toxin that imbues every aspect of
life in this country. It will not change anytime soon. So I tell my daughter –
Please don’t get married unless its something that you want to do. Don’t listen
to anyone – family or friends. Its your life and if at least you are able to
live your dreams, then I can feel empowered by association. That is the only
thing I can teach my little girl – it would break me to see her going through
her life trying to make others happy and ending up miserable. Far better for
her to live anywhere except here – in the land where they worship the image of
a woman while destroying her very soul.
