Selling promises...

Every time I switch on the TV, I come across at least a dozen channels showing commercials for fairness creams. There are all sorts of creams but they all have a common premise. They guarantee to make you fairer and thus more desirable whether as a prospective bride or a model or an air-hostess or an actress or even as an on-air reporter. The advertisements don’t sell mere fairness creams ,they sell the promise of a successful life.
In one particular case, a plain girl is shown as been distraught because her father who used to be the make-up man to stars but who is now too old, is being insulted by some tantrum-throwing diva. She gets upset and keeps yelling at her father saying he should make her beautiful and then she would get somewhere in life and be able to take care of him. He gives her a ‘Fair and Lovely’ cream and thus she becomes beautiful and manages to become an actress and is shown thanking her father at the awards function where she gets her first award. This entire advertisement was so ridiculous that I didn’t know whether to laugh or fume! The idea that only beautiful women can support their parents, that only a fair girl can be termed beautiful and that a fairness cream can be a ticket to lasting success is completely bizarre and yet in some way pathetic because there is a huge segment that actually falls for this brand of selling and fuels the market thus paving the way for the entry of more fairness creams and more stupid advertising.
There is no regulation that stops these ads from portraying the creams as a cure-all for every ugliness (which in India is usually defined by a dark complexion). There doesn’t seem to be any information presented in small print that mentions that the claims made are completely phoney. Indeed so deep an impression do these commercials make that even my former live-in maid who was as dark as the night, faithfully bugged me to get these creams for her insisting that they must work otherwise it would never be on TV! She obviously did not get fairer and managed to get quite a crop of pimples as the result of overenthusiastic application of the creams she swore by.
The craze to be fair is evident everywhere you look in India. Matrimonial advertisements (which are so hilarious, they deserve an article all to themselves!) always say the girl (who could be 40 yet is termed a girl till she marries) is fair and beautiful. If one is to go by these statements, the entire country would appear to be inundated by fair, slim and beautiful women who should, theoretically have no difficulty in finding themselves a groom which is hardly the case. Unfortunately, the boys (yes, they could be 40 too!) want only pale, white girls and so the unlucky dusky girls get left behind and have to settle for whatever they get.
I even saw a commercial for a men’s fairness cream the other day – called ‘Fair and Handsome’ being endorsed by a famous Bollywood personality! I guess even girls have started asserting their rights and prefer fair boys. I suppose it will be a fairness cream for babies next – after all who wants dark babies? And why not start young and fuel the madness for light skin even more! You can never be too young for fairness...

Destiny

There have always been various schools of thought when it comes to interpreting destiny. Some people believe that destiny is fore-ordained and so are your actions. You are not responsible for your actions and you are not to be blamed for your inadequacies. You could, if you want, be a serial killer and then blame it all on forces beyond your control or the lines on your head that lead you to fulfil the destiny that was to be yours. Such people also do not make meaningful mistakes but are usually defensive and full of excuses and manage to pass the burden of responsibility on someone other than themselves.

There are others who do not care about destiny at all but insist that they are the masters of their own actions and control their own fate. They believe that by taking initiative and deciding what they want in life, they can achieve their aims and thus create their own destiny. Most of such characters are usually referred to as self-made though there are a good enough number who are primarily handed the goal of their choice on a platter – however the choice is still theirs. The ones who believe in charting out their own course in life also do not fear making mistakes. They learn from it and chalk it down as experience and move on.

I grew up in a household where free will was considered secondary to God’s will. I was always told to surrender my ego and the path to follow would be clear. The principle of subjugation of one’s own will in favour of that of a higher power has long been in existence in Hindu philosophy but even then action has always been advised – only the fruits of such action were not to be desired. Acting in such a way would detach a person from his actions and leave him in a steady state whether joys, sorrows, victory or defeat fell upon him. But nowhere as far as I know was there any statement against living your life and choosing your actions. So surrender did not really mean that one had to blame all on destiny – for then why was man created at all? This problem troubled me during my growing years and I still have problems when my family goes into philosophical mode which is pretty often.

My husband on the other hand believed solely in the power of one’s actions and made no provision in his thinking for events that could happen outside his ‘plan’. He is a proactive guy who hates excuses and urges everyone to follow his or her dream. The division among my family members and my husband on the all important idea of destiny is so wide it is almost impassable. So on one side we have my mother, wringing her hands at her son not getting married and on the other we have my husband who says “Why drag God into this at all? Why can’t he just find a girl instead of expecting his mother and sisters to do it for him?” The situation is comical but not that easy to live with.

I have learnt over the years that to live your own life to the very best of your ability without recriminations or regrets and with a positive attitude will help you achieve you true destiny. So I believe in an ultimate destiny that is mine but I also believe that I cannot sit back and relax and expect it to just happen – hard work and an unfailing spirit are essential. There are no shortcuts to happiness.

No greater gift

A brisk, no-nonsense sort of wind blows outside. It seems to say “ I have a lot of stuff to get done today and I am not going to take a break!”. I, on the other hand, am sitting inside my room feeling a little sleepy, a little warm from the hot coffee that’s in my belly and going off into my very own world where things happen differently. Its comforting and yet not completely cocooning for even in my warm world I feel the tendrils of reality slip in and yank painfully.

Inside my mind I see my son grown with someone to love by his side. He is happy and he is self-reliant and even to a certain extent successful. He is a scientist with a razor keen mind and an out-of-the-box thinking style that gets him accolades. He does not have to face the world’s prejudice or discrimination. He actually has people who care for him around him. He has his sister (who changes from a fashion model to an astronaut depending on the mood of the day) as his anchor and together they make their own place in this world.

Outside my imaginary world I am forced to think about the problem at hand. The school is taking the children to a park with a zoo that’s a little away from the town. They will be gone all day. The children are excited and anticipate the end of the week with relish. My daughter has not been on earth since I first read the circular and signed it (“please sign it right now Amma – I have to give it to ma’am – don’t forget or I won’t be able to go!”). I wasn’t aware that the trip was for all the kids – I thought it was for the little ones only.

It was only when I went to school to pick them up on my way back from running errands, that my son’s teacher approached me with a sheepish expression and said the trip was indeed for all the kids. She was a young girl not long out of college and had been assigned the embarrassing task of explaining to me that the special children would not be joining them because it would not be easy for the teachers to handle them for an entire day. I was told that my son was someone who loved trips and he wasn’t the problem they were talking about but they couldn’t discriminate among the 4 or 5 kids that made up the special group in school. I said “Of course” and walked away.

I did not feel very good the rest of the day. The school could wash its hands off my son but how was I to explain that only his sister was going? Weren’t they asking me to discriminate in my own home? My son was okay with it saying “Oh its a holiday?” and asking to be taken on a red bus just to go to town and back. That’s all he wanted – a bus ride. He didn’t say he felt bad. He didn’t say that he was such a well-behaved kid and why did they do this to him? His calm acceptance broke my heart. He wouldn’t even fight for himself.

I need to go out and fight for my son. If he is a part of the school, they need to take him on every bloody trip they organize or else just not have too-long trips. If they can’t handle special children, why do they charge 50k extra a year for them and then say they won’t treat them like they are a part of the school? What is the worst that will happen if I stand up for my son’s rights? They’d probably boot him out of the school. This was one of the few schools that thought special children should have a chance at integration. The other schools wouldn’t even give me the time of day. But the principle is what counts – whatever the result, I cannot ignore the fact that they hurt my child.

Reality has shown me that my own little world may never happen. But to me its a vision with which I keep myself motivated and inspired. A day will come when my son will reach his true potential. A day will come when he will be recognized. A day will come when he can fight his own fights. Till then I need to be there to tell him “Son, you are our blessing. You can teach the world how to love unreservedly – there is no greater gift.”

Baby's day out

“Nanny rents out baby to beggar” said the headline of the front page article in today’s papers. Normally the paper I get is notorious for its non-existent grammar and misleading phrases not to mention spelling errors – so I didn’t do the expected double-take. Instead I began reading it and found a zany real-life story of a nanny renting out the baby she was hired to take care of.

The parents were the well off sort who were both out pursuing careers in MNCs. They got a maid from an agency (these agencies don’t provide references and pick anyone off the street to work for them) and proceeded to leave this character in charge of their baby while they went out to work. I guess the maid thought of putting the child out to work (after all, you could never begin too early) and rented him out to a beggar for a hundred rupees per day. Then she would sit back, relax, put her feet up and watch the daily soaps till the evening when the child would be returned.

The child kind of protested at being sent out to work and not being fed properly and being clothed in smelly rags. So she drugged him and then sent the newly docile child out. The parents did say they wondered why the child was so lacking in spirit and energy ever single evening but they didn’t think too much about it. The weekends were the only drug-free period for the poor kid and he was noticeably different then.

The whole story came to light when the mother came home early to find a dozing nanny and no sign of her baby! The nanny panicked and spilled the beans and the horrified mother had to wait a few hours to receive her baby from the beggar.

What does a story like this make you think about? Whose fault would you say this was? Was it the maid’s fault? She was a wily opportunist no doubt – she was also uneducated and obviously had no feeling invested in someone else’s child. Professionalism, dignity of labour, accountability even sheer humanity did not come into the picture for her. She was definitely guilty of harming the little child. What about the parents? Did their responsibility end in hiring someone they knew nothing about to take care of their precious child? Why did they trust a stranger? Did they do unexpected checks or ask a neighbour to check on the child occasionally or even install a small camera at the door to be on the safe side? They didn’t do any of these – they simply left their own baby in some idiot’s hands and washed away responsibility by paying her a high salary. They too were guilty of both stupidity and neglect. A career is important but if it is all-important, there are many ways to decide to not have children.

The sad part is that the baby may be irreparably harmed by the drugs given and even babies can feel when they are loved as against when they are toted around like a sack of potatoes in the glaring heat and the dusty roads. What did he do to deserve this? The answer to that is simple – he was just being and in this day and age, who has the time to care for him?

The right lie

I teach my kids lying is bad. I tell them that if they lie they lose my trust and respect. I also tell them they will be found out by Mother no matter how smart they think they are. But, honestly, lying is necessary and it’s vital to learn the skill of the ‘white lie’.

I am, by nature, a poor and patently obvious liar. I get flustered, embarrassed and fidgety when I say a blatant lie. A little one is okay and I normally use those to get out of slightly sticky situations. On the whole though with my rigid upbringing, I am happier saying the truth primarily because it’s a hell of a lot easier.

In a society filled with people of various kinds, it is advisable to learn this skill in order to survive and so I am trying to draw up a blueprint of the kinds of situations where its okay for my kids or anyone for that matter to lie provided they do so in a sincere and convincing manner. Here’s two of what I’ve come up with so far:

1. Someone who has a figure that is best hidden under layers of sackcloth is wearing an outfit that leaves much too little to the imagination is walking towards you and you are bravely trying to keep your face straight (this is just an acquaintance and not a close pal). At the meeting point, a third party walks up and exclaims “Ooh! XYZ – you are looking hot today!”. Do you

a) Say something nice with the same degree of enthusiasm?

b) Mumble something that could be taken for a compliment since you smile mightily as you mumble?

c) Say nothing because it is so difficult for you to lie since it brings on nausea?

d) Wiggle your eyebrows and say “Yeah!”

e) None of the above - you actually try diplomacy and truth together.

Answer: Go for either option ‘b’ or ‘d’. Option ‘b’ has its merits since the person being complimented isn’t likely to have gotten down from her happy state and so you have a good chance of getting away with it. Option ‘d’ is the easiest and they both have the advantage of you not having to actually lie. Option ‘e’ will simply get you one more enemy for life and if you can’t lie, you already have enough enemies to last a few lifetimes.

2. You have seen what is possibly the worst dance performance in history. You didn’t want to attend it, but you are expressly requested to. During the dance, the performer manages to fall twice. After the event, despite your energetic side-stepping, the ‘dancer’ asks you in front of a crowd whether you liked her performance knowing full well that it puts you in a spot. What do you say?

a) Wonderful – I have never seen the likes of it.

b) You fell twice and had no grace or elegance– you should not do this again – in fact I will pay you not to do so.

c) I went into a trance and failed to see anything.

d) Isn’t it awfully hot today? Where is that rain?

Answer: If you are a good liar, go for option ‘a’ otherwise ‘d’. With ‘d’ it’s always safe and it implies ‘b’ if the person feels inclined to think about your answer.

Note: This is a custom situation but it could very easily be extended to singing, speeches or any other performance related activity.

There are many more situations in school, at work or in the neighbourhood where your ability to lie quickly and effectively could mean the difference between social acceptance or total exclusion for you and your children. So keep your skill honed with practice, with simulation of possible situations and by reading plenty of fiction and you have a bright future ahead of you. I am planning to write a “How to lie for the inveterate truth sayer” book in the near future – till then – happy lying!