Mirroring values

I have often wondered how the measure of a man or woman changes when that which we believed about them is shattered. I do not talk of expectations or perfectly flawless behavior towards us and us alone. I was thinking rather of how there are things that should be counted as components of character but these days are simply forgotten. If someone you are close to has a friend or loved one who makes no bones about being prejudiced about the colour of the skin, about holding views that are appallingly backward about women for someone supposedly educated, about thinking children who come from less than illustrious backgrounds or with difficulties cannot be in a classroom with other kids; how would you deal with the situation?

Is there no need to stand by a principle these days? You say you are not prejudiced and someone you glorify ill-treats others but not you and you are okay with that? How does that make sense I wonder? If the world had applauded and rewarded a South Africa that was promoting apartheid but that was always unfailingly polite otherwise, would that have been right? If you are not directly hurt by the venom of someone you choose to love, is it then alright to watch the subject of it getting hurt? A subject whom you had befriended?

There is no justice in most things in life. But of one thing I am certain - if a person I was close to uttered anything prejudicial about another friend, I would have stood up and defended the friend who was being judged. I would have lost a certain amount of respect for that person because prejudice is inexcusable. I would probably never look at that person the same way again. So even if you do not actually hurt someone yet stand and watch someone over whom you have influence hurt someone and do nothing, then you at some level are responsible for that hurt. If you put up with it, there is a part of you that agrees with that action. For if you do not agree, if you feel strongly against it, you cannot remain silent – you would speak out.

I am however blessed with a spouse and friends who are generous and broad-minded and thankfully have had only a few such bad experiences. There was one person whom I thought of as a friend who I found out had no compunction in tolerating anything as long as there was no direct consequence. There is no easier way to lose my trust. Not standing up for what is right shows superficiality of character. They who are happy with trappings and the ability to be distracted can get by in life very easily. And the sad thing is that this person epitomizes most of the well-off people I come across.  Have fun, enjoy life – ignore the difficulties of others and revel over your superiority because hell, you have the money!

Its simple really. If you have a friend who is sincere, they will not let someone else trash you or your work or your beliefs. They will not cultivate that relationship once the mask of civility has been lowered even for a split-second. The friends you have are a reflection of you when it comes to core values. If they aren’t, then you will learn the hard way that they really weren’t friends.

Such is life.

I went for a walk in the night. It was drizzling and chilly. I didn’t care. I walked because I wanted to cool down. I walked because I needed the fresh air to ease the burning ache. I walked because when you walk in the rain, no one can see your tears. I don’t know to solve that which is always before me. I have a few days where I can smile and laugh with my heart light and far enough from pain that I actually feel happy. But the rest of the days I just try to cope. There will always be a meltdown or an episode where my child is in a world of pain without a trigger of any kind. I am always on guard. I can never relax. My shoulders feel like they are so wound up they can never unwind. People tell me to chill. To take it easy. Yeah right. There is no easy for me or my son. Walking doesn’t change anything but it loosens some of the more painful knots so I can gulp in mouthfuls of air and remind myself that despite the terrible feeling inside, I am alive.

I came back and sat in the midst of people talking and laughing with no one knowing that all I wanted to do at that point was curl into a ball and try to keep that agonizing hurt under control. The hardest part is the need to put up a façade of cheerfulness. No one likes a sad face. Many would not understand why I am yet unused to these episodes. They will merely say – well you knew this might happen right – all you can do is deal with it. Its true – after so many years perhaps I should be used to it. I should be inured to pain. But I am not. With considerable effort I brought myself back to whatever conversation everyone was having and went on with my evening.

Such is life. No matter how hard I try, I cannot protect my son. I have to sit and watch as he goes through things that no one should have to go through. I cannot help. I am merely a useless witness. If there was some way I could take on the pain that my child lives through so uncomplainingly, I would. But then that is why there is no God – I cannot even for a moment make his life easier when he needs my help the most. I simply watch. I have to be brave. I can’t lose it. I cannot even cry. Such is life.

Self-Entitlement

How many of you have had to work really hard for the things you wanted, even for things you needed? How many of you have felt the frustration of being almost there but not quite? How many of you have felt the terror that comes from the very real possibility that you may lose everything? I am sure many of you have at some time or the other gone through at least one of these scenarios as have I. I am also sure that there are a few who have been able to skim through life on browse mode – never really working hard or meaningfully but coasting along on someone’s luck or compassion for ineptitude. It is possible to live like that – to live as if the world owes you something for your mere existence. 

The idea of self-confidence is something that I believe in. It is great to respect yourself enough so that no one takes you for granted or undervalues you. There is a thin line between confidence and an almost delusional sense of arrogance though. If, because of luck or hard work, you have gained an enviable position in society, confidence is natural. If, however, this very confidence makes you think that you are better than everyone else and deserve to be treated special even when you aren’t doing a thing to earn it, then that is a really quick way to annoy those around you. Even worse are the characters who have always sought excuses for not making it in life. They find ways to be victims. They find faults in everything and everyone other than themselves. They think it is everyone else’s sworn duty to help them. They think that their mere existence entitles them to certain benefits. It is amazing how merit is never in the picture for the self-entitled.

In my line of work and in my personal life I have met a few people I wish I had not come across. In my centre, my partner and I have come across people who are indefatigably helpful and inspiring but we have also known those who come to us and do nothing productive to help the kids. They range from the rare parents who cannot see other special needs kids in roughly the same boat as their kids with even a smidgeon of empathy or compassion to others who wish us to help them in every possible way while themselves doing absolutely nothing to help even their own child. It has made me burn with anger time and again. Is it so hard to open your heart up to help your own child ? Forget about helping other children – if you cannot support your own child who so badly needs unflinching acceptance, then really what is the point?

I also get upset when I find time in life to run a school, take classes, take care of a house, make killer meals, deal with my son who needs that extra help, make sure I don’t neglect my daughter, write, help my husband in his project work as an independent consultant and exercise every single day come rain or shine and I am faced with people who say “Well I tried and it’s not happening. You didn’t help me enough. You didn’t hold my hand. Yes you can do all of that but so what, everyone can’t be like you! You need to do more for me – I am entitled.” I get angry – hell I am angry – I am done trying to help and I am so done expecting even a modicum of courtesy and decency from people who have taken complete advantage of my nature.

If there is a God in heaven, and believe me there are many days when I know there is no such presence, if there is justice in earth or heaven, if there is any meaning to life at all, then the self-entitled would be given short shrift every step of their miserable lives so those who know the value of working hard are left in peace. This life is not easy for many people and while I am not asking for help, I hope that those who choose to be unhelpful can at least refrain from making things more difficult. Have a heart for crying out loud…