Soul mates

I can understand why a person who has led as sheltered an existence as I have would not be able to define true love. I even doubt its existence. I know security and a kind of love of course but I have never experienced the kind of magical, sweep-me-off-my-feet kind of love. I adore my husband and children but I have never been able to let go with anyone ever. I always seem to hold a piece of myself back which witnesses my interactions with my loved ones dispassionately. I have no clue why this is so and I don’t think there is another soul who even understands what I am talking about.

There are people who could not be more different in tastes, attitude, exposure or inclination compared to me but they too still seek true love. Some of the more cynical feel very superior when they declare that the majority of the world confuses love with lust. It is not that simple. While lust is a healthy by-product of attraction, love and lust need not always be mutually exclusive – they are separate entities but inextricably intertwined some of the time. Imagine an entire world full of people in search of their soul mates. What are the chances that they go beyond the immediate radius of friends, home town, state or at most country? Given the enormity of the population, what is the guarantee that the soul mate would be of one’s own culture or race? How is one supposed to actually find this soul mate? The sheer impossibility of such a task should fill one with disbelief.

So most of us settle for what we can be comfortable with rather than what would perfectly complement us. I see nothing wrong with that. It is not part of nature to endow soul mates with some sort of identification badge. The more important task for any living being is survival and of course procreation. Love isn’t necessary for either and so is not an essential part of life according to the laws of nature. Years of conditioning by means of stories of eternal love has left in every man and woman an inexplicable yearning somewhere deep inside. It is of course true that very few act on that yearning but yet it rules most of our expectations. Therefore whether we have arranged marriages or love marriages, we secretly yearn to know whether what we have is the love that dreams are made of instead of the routine sort that actually makes the world go round.

Choices

What is a person’s life without passion in it? I often wonder when I look around and see a number of people going around leading lives which to me seem purely mechanical. Everyone seems obsessed by a need to do something. Most often that something brings them neither happiness nor satisfaction. Of course they do make money but ultimately does simply making money satisfy your soul? It cannot. You can justify almost anything you do but if you are unhappy as a result, there really is no point.

Of course, everyone tells me that it is impractical to expect every single person to be happy at their respective jobs. I am also frequently told that many do not have the luxury that I do of simply taking time off and lazing around waiting for inspiration to strike. They are right. I have no clue where I am going in my life but I do know that I will find my way when the time is right. I could compromise like I tried doing off and on for years but I did not want to. It meant a smaller income. It meant frustration of a different sort. It also meant that I did not have the company of people to stimulate me for most of the day. It was not a very easy decision for me to make and I have always been tortured by self-doubt but in the end the choice had to be made. I had to follow my own star, vague and distant though it might appear now.

A passion is essential to live life to the fullest. Imagine getting up every morning full of vigour and looking forward to the day with joy. The idea that you are doing what you were meant to do, what you were born to do and what only you can do very well is compelling. It gives you a sense of purpose quite apart from the daily round of duties and responsibilities that fall to everyone’s lot. When you follow your passion, you are no longer merely someone else’s wife or mother or daughter, you are just you doing the thing you were created to do. I get that feeling only when I attempt to write – I say attempt because I have not yet been able to put down my thoughts the way they are in my head. They seem profound and beautiful in imagination and clunky when put down – I assume because of my inability to capture them correctly. Yet I continue to hope to have that passion rule my life one day.