Don't let her down.

Is there one among us who does not know the story of Nirbhaya? Is there one among us who can refuse to be touched by it? Is there one among us who believes that justice will be served? The answer to all of those questions is a resounding ‘No’ that echoes across the vast emptiness of hollow promises that is the legacy of our democracy. We cannot wrap our minds across the horror that was the gang rape of a 23 year-old by six monsters for they could not possibly be human after what they did to that girl. Inserting rusty rods into her and pulling out her intestines. Throwing her out of a moving bus. Attempting to then run her over. An apathetic police with its tardy arrival. Indifferent bystanders who refused to help the dying girl. How can there be anything but zero-tolerance for such bestial cruelty? No one should have to go through what she did and yet no one can truly believe that this is the last such case we will ever come to know of.

Rapes in Delhi are common. I am told there is one every 18 hours. Does that mean that it is acceptable like snarly traffic or pollution or corruption? If it isn’t accepted and even condoned, then how is it that such acts continue to happen with increasing frequency? The government certainly shows no great interest in making an effort to stop any of this. Fast track courts, hotlines and a more women-friendly police force is not enough by any means to stop such continuing acts of brutality against women. But it may be a start.

The far bigger problem lies in the way women see other women who are victims of rape. Many men think women ask for it by dressing provocatively, being out at nightclubs till the wee hours or indulging in alcohol. Many men also think that women are lesser beings so it doesn’t really matter how they are used sexually or otherwise. But the far more painful fact is that many women think that only loose women are raped. They believe that it is the woman’s fault. They consider her to have brought dishonour to the family for now which man from a good family would touch her with a ten-foot pole? They actually think that marrying a rape victim off to her rapist is the best solution to ‘save face’.

Any rape victim who survives faces ostracism – she is damaged goods – something that no purification rite can redeem. Of all the enemies women have to fight against in society today from discrimination to downright abuse, the lack of solidarity and understanding from other women is the worst. If all women in this country were united against the atrocities perpetrated on the girl child and on women in general, a Nirbhaya would never have been created. If women raised their sons to respect other women, they would not then grow up to think that the softer sex was created for their service alone. If women stood by other persecuted women in their time of need, a force of unstoppable strength would be created.

Instead what always happens in India continues to happen even now – the authorities wash their hands off the tainted mess, every excuse is made, no one accepts responsibility, all the powers-that-be then wait for our famous collective amnesia to set in. Everyone knows its a matter of time before the population forgets. We are so inured to acts of cruelty that almost anything can be forgotten given time. This time however the rape case brought out something in everyone around us – the feeling of frustration that we could do nothing for that young life, the abiding anger that we live in a country that allows such a thing to happen to our womenfolk and disgust at our very passivity – we want to fight now for the girl who tried so very hard to live despite what can only be described as horrendous injuries. She was broken over and over again but she resisted, she scratched, she bit and even in the hospital she declared her desire to live to fight another day. 

Nirbhaya’s spirit shamed us all into raising our voices for the first time. I fervently hope that the voice grows even stronger and drowns out every whiny excuse, every failure to act, every plea for mercy against the perpetrators. She may have died horribly and in pain but if we let this happen again, her death would also be completely pointless. Let not her death be in vain. I do not want to live in fear and more importantly I do not want my daughter to live in fear. To think that a country that worships goddesses can close its eyes to the myriad ways in which its daughters are made to suffer is heartbreaking. For once, let some good come out of an unspeakable tragedy – let us fight so that every woman in this country is truly free.

Of Teaching Children...

Children do not follow what we say as much as mimic what we do. They tend to listen of course when told something but what stays on in their minds is whether we practice what we ask them to do. I am sure this is fairly common knowledge. We all know children are highly observant and tend to look for almost any loophole to keep from following a tiresome rule. Therefore I am surprised when I see parents around me behaving in a way that clearly teaches their children the opposite of what they preach quite publicly.

There are parents here who tell their children to share in front of all of us. And then tell them something entirely different behind doors. They neither invite anyone over nor make an effort to teach their children the joy of giving and yet when the same kids balk at giving something to another child of their age, the mothers act shocked and commission them to share with stern warnings. I wonder which age is considered too early to start teaching children hypocrisy. Masks are available from infant sizes now, I hear.

Then there are other parents who teach the children the value of reading by reading not a line themselves. A child is more likely to read if she grows up in a house full of books and actually sees you reading whenever you get a chance or when you choose to relax. She will then associate reading with enjoyment. If you only read in order to tick off the box that says ‘read to you children’, they will never develop the interest in reading past childhood and will always lack access to thoughts broader than theirs, words more beautifully crafted than theirs and flights of imagination that make them look differently at the world around them. Denying a child the marvels of a good story ensure that they grow up stilted and inarticulate forever judging all others in the light of the few people that they have known and never in the larger softer vision that comes only after being introduced to numerous and vastly different characters in various books.

Another commonly seen facet of parenthood here in the place where I live which I fervently hope is not representative of life in Bangalore in general, is the absolute crudeness with which it is considered alright to behave under moments of mild pressure. I see people shouting loudly, screeching incoherently over minor differences, treating security guards brusquely and driving like madmen or madwomen in the avenues inside the complex where we are exhorted to keep to a speed limit of 10kmph. I don’t think screaming is justified in most circumstances. Yes we all lose it sometimes – it is hard to keep one’s cool always but when you see the same people perform the same noisy vociferous acts with no thought of how it upsets children to watch, it is beyond annoying. These very same children are then taught to behave politely in school or enrolled in dance classes to be ‘graceful’ when true grace comes from the ability to behave with good sense and consideration for others. 

I am far from being a great parent. I have miles to go before I hit the right balance of patience and dedication versus being stern in the face of disobedience. I have my work cut out with a child who does not understand how to read body language or capture the nuances of sarcasm or ridicule and therefore stays away from his peer group. I am always kept on my toes by the child who asks me why I should stay up later than her or get away with eating too little – she is clear that rules are the same for everyone – of course in these cases being an adult comes with perks I tell her :-)

One thing I have never done however is tell my children its okay to scream at or disrespect someone. They know traffic rules have to be followed. They know giving is more important than taking. I allow them to invite as many friends to dinner as they want even if I am drowned in other work. If they like something I have cooked and want to send some over to their friends, they are encouraged to do that. Children by nature are generous and loving comes easily to them. Its easier to let them grow up in their own goodness rather than teach them to be selfish or hypocritical or disrespectful of others. Why then do we teach them to be other than what they are? Why do we teach them to wear masks that barely fit them? Why indeed do we soil their little minds with images of people who are too weak to control their own temper? Your children are given to you to raise for a while – they do not belong to you – they are not extensions of you – they are part of the collective whole. They deserve better – the world deserves the gift of children raised in the light of their innate goodness.

Moments of Clarity

Moments of clarity come rarely enough in life. You could think the same way about a situation or person for years before one fine day you realize that you have simply not been looking at it right. Oftentimes this is a painful realization because no one likes to be told that they have been wrong or foolish or indeed foolishly wrong for such a length of time. Sometimes the clarity comes as a relief. You understand that you need not feel bad over a situation because that situation is unimportant in the larger scheme of things. It immediately ceases to have a hold over you and you are liberated. Sometimes the scales fall from our eyes so abruptly that we wonder how we have missed the obvious all this while – it is akin to understanding a deep truth and feeling blessed.

Clarity of vision cannot occur when you strive too hard for then you are too attached to the situation to see anything clearly. Neither is it achieved when you surround yourself with people, music and endless distractions because the truth is best experienced in silence. The ability to be silent and be comfortable with one’s thoughts is a great one indeed. There are too many people out there who will do anything to avoid being alone with their thoughts. So for a moment of clarity to be arrived at, you need to be at peace at least for a short span of time.

For years I had been striving with the thought that there were more things I needed to experience in order to be a complete person. I thought I lacked some vital thread in the fabric of my existence that made me restless and prone to think and look outward for solutions. It is but recently that I realized that all the elements of the happiness and contentment I sought were within me ready for me to but notice them. I could be as happy as I wanted and nothing in the world could stop that from happening. If I stopped being influenced by outside factors and being dependent on another for happiness, then I would succeed on my path to reach the goals I had set for myself. We each of us are born alone and die alone and are solely in control of our life and our joy. We only need to remind ourselves of our ability to be joyous because that simple message is often lost in the cacophony of our daily routines.

Writing has always helped me arrive at important decisions and choices in life. Setting things out in black and white is a way of making things clearer. But the best way to achieve total clarity is to let go of even the words and experience that vision. For words, after the initial stretch, often serve as distractions. We get lost in the words and forget to open our eyes to the truth. Its a real joy to be able to see clearly even if it is just for a moment for in that one moment you get a glimpse of that beautiful pattern that is your life if you but want it to be.

To the new year...

It has always been the norm with me that I have invariably felt forced into new year celebrations. I had never seen the point in ringing in the new – for me January 1^st was just a date that would make no difference to the world as I knew it. I would still be up before everyone else, I would still make breakfast, I would still have a cup of tea while perusing the morning papers, I would still wait till the rest of the family left their warm beds to wander in sleepily while I set about making that second pot of tea. So how was it any different from any other holiday? Why did people make such a fuss about resolutions to be kept, about looking back on a year which is as pain filled or joy filled as any other? Unless a day is marked by change from within, how can it make a difference at all to our little worlds or the collective, larger existence?

This year I gave it all some more thought. I had now no objections to celebrating anything because for me, personally, the past year has been more about experiencing things that I have never before undergone and learning valuable lessons about my nature. I learnt that its never a good idea to have relationships with people who have a thimble full of affection to give you in return for an ocean of it. Anyone who doubts and measures and scrapes away at you is merely looking for their reflections to love. Be this way or I won’t like it. Walk along the path I have marked or you are wayward. No one needs that in their lives. We live on earth for but fleeting moments and these are better spent in gratitude and appreciation instead of in trying to become something that thankfully we are not.

I learnt that cultivating detachment is an art I need to work on. My husband is excellent at it and he thinks I have come a long way from my easily upset self. I now actually refrain from responding in anger whenever I can. Its not easy because I often feel my anger is justified but honestly it does no good at all to lose my temper – its a sign of weakness rather than strength. 

I also learnt that a passion harboured and nurtured for years will come to fruition when the time is right. For years I had been whining in frustration about the lack of options for special needs children. I saw myself and my son as victims till I realized that in fact we have the power to bring about change that we want and so last year saw the work that went into creating a centre with someone whose passion and dreams made it all possible – in two days the centre opens its doors to the first batch of children and young adults.

So this year I felt obligated to celebrate – with so much learning and accomplishment, it seemed the right thing to do. I was lucky to be able to spend new year’s eve with family and friends who cared - it felt like a good beginning to a year which I see with hope and the desire to have more fulfilment than before and perhaps even more understanding about life itself which is a quest I had embarked on since I was in my teens. So may the new year bring us all more growth, understanding, forgiveness and joy...here’s to 2013!