Of Teaching Children...

Children do not follow what we say as much as mimic what we do. They tend to listen of course when told something but what stays on in their minds is whether we practice what we ask them to do. I am sure this is fairly common knowledge. We all know children are highly observant and tend to look for almost any loophole to keep from following a tiresome rule. Therefore I am surprised when I see parents around me behaving in a way that clearly teaches their children the opposite of what they preach quite publicly.

There are parents here who tell their children to share in front of all of us. And then tell them something entirely different behind doors. They neither invite anyone over nor make an effort to teach their children the joy of giving and yet when the same kids balk at giving something to another child of their age, the mothers act shocked and commission them to share with stern warnings. I wonder which age is considered too early to start teaching children hypocrisy. Masks are available from infant sizes now, I hear.

Then there are other parents who teach the children the value of reading by reading not a line themselves. A child is more likely to read if she grows up in a house full of books and actually sees you reading whenever you get a chance or when you choose to relax. She will then associate reading with enjoyment. If you only read in order to tick off the box that says ‘read to you children’, they will never develop the interest in reading past childhood and will always lack access to thoughts broader than theirs, words more beautifully crafted than theirs and flights of imagination that make them look differently at the world around them. Denying a child the marvels of a good story ensure that they grow up stilted and inarticulate forever judging all others in the light of the few people that they have known and never in the larger softer vision that comes only after being introduced to numerous and vastly different characters in various books.

Another commonly seen facet of parenthood here in the place where I live which I fervently hope is not representative of life in Bangalore in general, is the absolute crudeness with which it is considered alright to behave under moments of mild pressure. I see people shouting loudly, screeching incoherently over minor differences, treating security guards brusquely and driving like madmen or madwomen in the avenues inside the complex where we are exhorted to keep to a speed limit of 10kmph. I don’t think screaming is justified in most circumstances. Yes we all lose it sometimes – it is hard to keep one’s cool always but when you see the same people perform the same noisy vociferous acts with no thought of how it upsets children to watch, it is beyond annoying. These very same children are then taught to behave politely in school or enrolled in dance classes to be ‘graceful’ when true grace comes from the ability to behave with good sense and consideration for others. 

I am far from being a great parent. I have miles to go before I hit the right balance of patience and dedication versus being stern in the face of disobedience. I have my work cut out with a child who does not understand how to read body language or capture the nuances of sarcasm or ridicule and therefore stays away from his peer group. I am always kept on my toes by the child who asks me why I should stay up later than her or get away with eating too little – she is clear that rules are the same for everyone – of course in these cases being an adult comes with perks I tell her :-)

One thing I have never done however is tell my children its okay to scream at or disrespect someone. They know traffic rules have to be followed. They know giving is more important than taking. I allow them to invite as many friends to dinner as they want even if I am drowned in other work. If they like something I have cooked and want to send some over to their friends, they are encouraged to do that. Children by nature are generous and loving comes easily to them. Its easier to let them grow up in their own goodness rather than teach them to be selfish or hypocritical or disrespectful of others. Why then do we teach them to be other than what they are? Why do we teach them to wear masks that barely fit them? Why indeed do we soil their little minds with images of people who are too weak to control their own temper? Your children are given to you to raise for a while – they do not belong to you – they are not extensions of you – they are part of the collective whole. They deserve better – the world deserves the gift of children raised in the light of their innate goodness.