I have always followed the expected path. Perhaps I lacked the imagination to try anything different.Perhaps I always wanted someone to blame in case things went wrong. Whatever may be the reason, I always followed the course that I was pushed into and have never sat down and thought hard as to whether that course would keep me happy.
Years later, I long to erase my stupidities. I long for impossibilites like greater exposure or choice that could have saved me from making decisions based on limited availability of options. I longed for any person who could have told me a little of what I know now. I don't know if my life could have been different but I cannot see how any person could be so crippled by their own limitations as I am. I did not want to turn into someone who is in a cage of her own making - who thought herself too old at 27 to try something different and who on the eve of her 35 th birthday is sure she is too old to change. Life would have been so easy if I had never shown promise but to have the acceptance that comes from being good at something and then growing into absolutely nothing, is too painful.
How does anyone find the spark to keep your soul going through the weary days and nights that make up most people's lives? What keeps you gettign up? The thought of paying bills? The thought of making a difference?The wish to change the world? Or just because you long to wake up and start another day being happy - that is a tough one, isn't it?
