Anger

I lost my temper yesterday. Of course my husband will tell you that that’s not something new. Yesterday, however, saw me extremely upset and angry. I do believe there was sufficient cause but I cannot excuse my behaviour. It hurt my son and it hurt me. I lost sleep that night and woke up anxious and with a headache.

My son is autistic – so there was never an easy way to raise him. This is not the time I’d like to share my problems about dealing with him. I only wish to tell anyone reading this to never lose their temper totally – a little is okay. Obviously when you are lashing out at an eight year old who does not have the ability to voice his frustrations, it is much worse. But I figured out that its the fear that leads to anger and hence loss of control. Fear that your child is regressing because he had a really off day. Fear that you will never be able to do enough for him. Fear that he will have no friends and nobody will love him or care for him after you are gone. To live with this fear and anxiety in and out for nearly five years is not easy. To think that it is a permanent thing is paralysing. I have been putting my present on hold in my anxiety for the future and have forgotten how to live. The rational part of me urges me to snap out of it – this too shall pass, it says. My irrational part goes berserk.

Dear God, please let me get through each day with patience and hope and courage to live in the present. And please let my little boy know that I love him more than anything.