In love or in life, nothing happens abruptly. Things may
apparently happen abruptly but there are always long simmering reasons behind
what seems to be a sudden change of normal behaviour. People wait endlessly for
something to happen or for people to notice that they have had enough of being
treated like they can be left on the back burner always. It is possible to
continue to mask one’s true feelings for quite a while but when one has one’s
guard down as you do when you try to sleep after tossing and turning for hours,
the truth has a way of poking its hard cold nose into your consciousness and
you look at the face of the truth and have not the choice of looking away.
Again in relationships when you see the truth, you have no
choice but to act on it. There is only so much of self-delusion that is
possible after all. When people then see your action, they wonder what the
trigger was for something so out of character. There is never one trigger.
There is always more than just the tip of an iceberg even if others choose not
to see it. But once you have committed to a course of action, it would be a
serious mistake to back away. For that would begin the cycle all over again. Some
truths do not go away. The others you can dress up for the world so you look
perfect. I can’t not act on what I believe is right. It may not be the best
course in life but at least there is some dignity in not lying to yourself.
My friend had recently gone through and is currently yet
going through a really hard phase in her life. I talk to her often but I cannot
help. I can only listen. She has lost the love she was counting on having for
all time. She lives in a shell with a brave face but with the hollowness of
silence echoing deeply within. Her life is about little things now and centred around her child. I admire
her for having the courage to continue after being sucker-punched in more ways
than one. To those who know her, the change in her seemed abrupt but I know
that whatever sparked the loss had been brewing for more than a decade. Love is
painful both in its presence and absence.
I read an article about seven reasons why people choose not to
fall in love. They range from fear of being vulnerable to being unable to deal
with the pain that comes along with the joy and to feeling that the love of the
other is unequal to yours. I think the main reason why people shy away from the
act of falling in love is because it complicates your existence beyond belief. Why
would anyone want to lay themselves open to being manipulated or changed or
judged? Why would anyone in their right mind want to be taken for granted? Why would
anyone choose to go hang around past the days when you actually mattered to the
other?
They say love is the single most beautiful feeling one can
experience. I think that it is truly overrated because while you feel on top of
the world for a short while, for the longer period of time all you feel is
doubt. When intensity fades, when caring is reduced to superficial exchanges,
when you do not even have a clue about how the other feels, then it is far
better to admit that there is nothing left to fight for or hang on to. Maybe
love can be of different kinds. Certainly the less tumultuous everyday kind of
love seems to survive much longer than the kind that is feted in movies.
But how would I know anyway? All I have as fodder for
writing are the stories I see unfolding around me – one day I will write them
as they are supposed to be written instead of how they are made to appear. One
day my words will flow as they ought to – they will not be held back by
anything at all.
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