Nothing deadens me like routine. Actually that’s not correct, it’s not the routine that sucks all life out of me, it’s the meaninglessness of the chores that fill up the routine. I have always thought of myself as a fairly intelligent person and cannot believe I aced academics all my life just to scrub pots. I should have gone around dating instead of actually studying and maybe I would have ended up a more fun person. Instead I have turned out to be a repressed nutcase with severe control freakishness.
How did I get myself in this soup? I had the world before me and I wasted it. A series of bad life choices and now a complete lack of future awaits me. I have tried so hard to be upbeat but I cannot do it. How can I reinvent myself at 34? Where will I find the inspiration to discover a reason for living? I am not cut out to be a great wife or mother – I cannot even fake interest anymore. The kids are not babies and seem to do well enough without my meddling. My husband can lose himself in any activity – what would he need me for? I stayed at home for a family that really doesn’t require me for anything that a maid can’t do. It is beyond comprehension how systematically I have ensured that I become redundant in every sphere of life. I alone am responsible for my present condition but how on earth can I pull myself back from the brink for that’s where I am and it is unbelievably difficult to even want to.
2 comments:
why do you seek self definition in being needed?? define yourself by what you do... do things that make you happy and all else will fall in place... you don't need to be a good mom/wife to be "you". You just need to be satisfied with what you do...
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