A long ago bride

Today my tree looks like a bride – adorned with bright jewels and an excited trembling smile – coming to think of it, my wedding sari was flame coloured just like the flowers on my tree. But there was a huge difference. I wasn’t a happy beaming bride. I was a young woman doing what I had been asked to do. I had had neither time nor inclination for romance. Hell, I never even believed in love. So I clearly remember the picture I made with my very slender frame, long hair bedecked with jasmine flowers, some jewellery and a slightly impatient look on my face. S, on the other hand looked quite happy and attempted conversation on the pandal which I quite nastily refused to take part in. I sat there that morning in the glare of the lights of the video cameras and in front of a crowd of at least two thousand people, in a completely detached state.

 I look at one photo taken almost sixteen years ago and I can see the uncertainty on my face and the look that signified being lost in thoughts yet again. I was scared of what was to come. I was nervous as to whether I would fit in with a family that seemed so traditional as compared to mine. I was unhappy with the idea that I was not allowed to work at my career as I wanted but asked to get married before I was done with my final project. My mother as I recall was clearly incensed with the fact that I had grown even skinnier during my project period. I always have had trouble gaining weight but she thought this was a personal choice – that I deliberately rebelled in that particular fashion. I didn’t care much. I was thin, and not very good-looking but I had lovely hair that cascaded down to my waist and that more or less made up for any shortcomings according to my father. My long locks were his pride and joy.

The fact however is that it all turned out quite well for me. We took our own time to get to know each other. S was patient enough to build a friendship with me before deepening our relationship. I was like a skittish colt for months but S was very understanding and still continues to be so. I look back and laugh at how old-fashioned my nature must appear now , at how today’s kids would find my shyness and tears incomprehensible. I have changed a lot but there is one aspect of me that has not changed. The essential core is the same. I believe I am a good human being capable of a great deal of love which I know is rare and that I wish to raise my children to bring light rather than selfishness to this world. There was a turbulent period in my life not too long ago when I began questioning how I could take a path that went against my grain and then I realized life also consisted of recognizing one’s imperfections. What was important was to be true to myself and the person I have always been. And that is what I try to do more consciously these days.

The gorgeous flowers smile back at me cheerily while I sit writing this. Their beauty does not diminish if no one is around to tell them they are beautiful. The beauty is in their very nature and no one can take that away from them. Perhaps they would not be constantly recorded in my words if they were flowering in solitary splendour where no one could see them but they would always be beautiful. I write about my lovely flame tree when my mind is in need of quieting  because its simple existence never fails to take my breath away and make me feel uniquely blessed to be in this world.