Growing into oneself...

I always find myself growing more philosophical as my birthday draws closer. More than the beginning of a new year, it is on my birthday that I look back on what has transpired in the year that has just passed. This past year has taught me more than ten other years combined. It has taught me to revel in an inner strength that is rarer than I knew, it has taught me the grey nature of good and bad, love and hate. It has also taught me the importance of going ahead and doing instead of sitting by the road endlessly waiting for the right guide to come along. But I think the hardest lesson of all was the fact that no matter how loving or dependable a spouse you may have, you have ultimately only yourself to fall back on and if you can learn to love yourself with all the warts included, then you glow with an inner brightness none can take away from you.

The biggest mistake a person makes is to see himself or herself in another’s eyes. They then try to become the person someone else wants. I have seen many women transform after marriage into colourless creatures whose only aim is to do everything they think their husbands want. Many think that they are being ideal wives by remove all traces of themselves or by seeking approval with every word or act. They have no independent thoughts, likes, dislikes or even dreams. I speak of women because I have not seen that much of a change in my male friends after their marriage – except in many cases, a certain slow erosion of joie de vivre.

I had lost my identity to a certain extent during fifteen years of marriage. However no one had ever referred to me as Mrs S simply because I have always imprinted my personality on anyone who has interacted with me no matter how young I was. Perhaps that is why when one fine day I woke up to see in the mirror, someone I did not remotely recognize, I decided to simply change – no more expecting happiness to come from some person or event - only I could do that for myself. Having done that by getting back to a full-time job, making meaningful friends, writing a column, I found a resurgent pride and felt happiness seep in slowly. It lit the lives of those around me. People who knew me for years remarked at the change. My children were happier. That was the best gift I have ever given them – that of a joyous mother.

Recognizing that your life needs change takes courage. It is always easier to let things be. Seizing the day or standing up for yourself or letting words flow in the face of possible displeasure, requires character. It takes years for a person to be formed from within. It is up to you to decide what kind of personality you want for yourself. It took me so many years to grow into the personality that I knew I had deep inside. That moment of being completely in tune with yourself happens only with introspection and acceptance. You need to have gone through difficult times to experience your inner strength. You need to have let yourself go to experience your softer side. You need to believe in something so strongly that your desire to do something positive outweighs all your fears of failure. Maybe the moment of self-actuation comes but once in one’s life, but once is enough – it will propel you to pursue more such moments and pretty soon being your true self will be effortless and ever more rewarding.

When I read what I wrote on my birthday a year ago and look at my words today, I see a sea change.  It feels good. For once in my life, I look forward to sealing the passing of one more year and more than that I seek eagerly what the next one holds for me. This renewed appetite for life is something I am deeply grateful for. This time next year I wish for my words to flow stronger, I wish for the courage to write my dream and place it before the world, I wish for my one ever-present pain and worry to resolve into hope...this time next year, I wish to grow brighter in every way...