Words shouldn't come easy...

I wondered all of last evening about why a word or words uttered while one is unfocussed could be the cause of so much recrimination. I have written more than once about how words are such an imperfect medium of expression that more often than not they cause misunderstandings instead of clearing them. The same holds for words written or spoken while one’s mind is elsewhere. The simple fact is that no one can know all of what goes in another’s mind and the world of messaging is fraught with greater peril as one normally goes about responding with absolutely no thought.

I sometimes feel that the words on the tip of our tongue or the top of our mind are not indicative of the mountain of feelings beneath. Therefore it often happens that a single word cannot capture the poignancy of emotions behind it. A word spoken in absent-mindedness is thus construed in an unintended manner. Similarly we often treat people we love best with a ‘taken for granted’ attitude but truly no one can never know another so well as to assume he or she is an open book – were that the case then there would be no conflicts in relationships the world over.

There was this one incident that stays in my mind so many years after I have heard it. I had gotten a new dress or some such thing and was modelling it to my father. I was all of fifteen. He was reading the papers and didn’t notice me much. When I asked him how I looked, he replied that it was fine. And then added,“It’s such a pity that neither of my daughters can come anywhere close to their mother”. The words are not exact and the incident is probably a juxtaposition of a couple of different ones that had the same theme. I was obviously very hurt on hearing it and yet my father had never meant to cause me any pain. He probably only saw a young girl who didn’t have the potential to be beautiful and completely missed the young mind that was so well endowed with intelligence and creativity. Perhaps he just longed for beauty to be added to the more obvious brains. I know for a fact though that he adored and took pride in me and ten years after his death I still think of him frequently with an intensity that brings tears to my eyes.

When relationships of the closest kind are subject to moments like this, what chance have we got when we make new ones? I think its inevitable that ups and downs happen when words fail us but the strength of any bond is indicated by the elasticity with which we can bounce back to a stable level. Is a misunderstanding worth hurting someone deliberately and repeatedly? Is a sincere apology not a source of alleviation at all? Is existing affection not a palliative for words gone astray? It all depends on the people involved. I have lost friends over time who have walked away without explanations. It has always hurt. And yet those who can walk away at some time will likely leave anyway – that is one way to think of painful situations. They will happen. We learn from them. We hope it will not happen again. And yet if they do, then so be it – one learns again...