Friends of the heart

The circle is complete. I sit by my window and look out at the leafless flame tree outside the terrace. I feel a bit like that – drained and colourless. It shall pass and the tree will once again sport verdant green and that glorious orange. And I too shall heal. I am frequently told I leave my heart wide open. I make friends easily and so I make room for hurt as well. A lot of my friends continue to be my friends. Others have walked away or I have walked away from them depending on the circumstances.

For close to ten years after my marriage I made no friends. My experiences in college had taught me to be wary of all but a few close friends. I had the habit of trusting almost everyone till I was proved wrong. I still do it and I still regret it. But I don’t regret being trusting. I would not have known love without trust. I would not have made the few valued friends I had without trust. I would not have given life a chance without trust.

The downside of getting close to someone is the opportunity they then have to hurt you if they so wish. No single human being can judge another. No one is worthy enough to do that. Is there anyone out there who has not had a bad thought or acted without thinking or hurt someone so badly they felt like they’d been physically beaten even if it was unintentional? It doesn’t make sense to think that way. And it is a terrible thing to judge based solely on your perceptions and world views. One cannot generalize people and put them away in neat labelled boxes. People don’t come with tags.

Each and everyone one of us are complex creatures – no one can be totally understood. No matter how many times I write about the pain of seeing the kind of life that is in store for my child, no one will comprehend it unless they go through with it themselves. No matter how well I explain the joys of perfect companionship, one who hasn’t felt that at least once will never understand. No matter how well I detail the hurt that comes from being judged harshly, no one will realize its depth. Then how can anyone make blanket statements concerning your behaviour, your intent and your character? Why do it at all? We are here on earth not to be miserable but to find joy and rejoice in life no matter what hardships we have to face.

So I will yet have faith in friends. I hope the friends of my heart will always hold me as dear as I hold them. I believe that one day sometime my trust will bear fruit and the cycle will be renewed.