Straddling Expectations

There is a fine line between expectations and not letting disbelief mar your relationship, be it with anyone. There are those who don’t promise anything and have a very steady, sort of on-the-fringes connection with you. There are those who promise and deliver – they are obviously the ones you trust. I try to be one of those myself because fairly early on I was taught that it was important to keep my word. With my children, I wouldn’t promise anything I couldn’t fulfil. Especially with children, it is important to foster trust because when they are very little, you are the centre of their world.

The other types of people, those who overpromise and under-deliver, come in two variations. One, where they are uncaring of anyone else other than themselves and their ability to gain whatever they need to in that moment. So they will promise the world, if they get breathing space or some benefit or the other. They don’t believe that they are lying because at that moment, they convince themselves as much as they convince the other. Stay clear of those types. I knew a few whom I have cut off from my life completely – they are quite toxic.

Then there is the type I choose to write about today – the fourth type – the type who will overpromise and under-deliver because though they want to give you everything they can, they simply are unable to do it. They promise everything to everyone and then find themselves stretched so thin that they are completely transparent. These are the folks who are difficult to stay away from because they truly want to do everything for you. Their genuineness is their biggest friend and your biggest enemy. They mean so well that they can actually do things for you that make your heart well up for in these times of abject selfishness, caring is not something you come by easily. 

Unfortunately, within a very short time, you feel the ill-effects of letting yourself trust someone like that. With the best of intentions, they fail you time and again. You are left with more cynicism than you started out with. You begin to withdraw your trust slowly till you are left with just a façade -  the façade of being trusting when in reality, you will never trust this person again. It is too tiring to believe and then disbelieve so what you do is go directly to the disbelieving bit and stay there. If you, like me, have been raised to be polite, you will try not to show it and simply distance yourself steadily so that you do not get hurt anymore.

Expectations are best left for yourself – meaning you can expect yourself to do a certain thing or behave in a particular way so that at least in your mind, you are progressing towards a certain state. The moment your expectations turn outwards, you are asking for trouble. Yet every relationship has the other wanting you to trust their words, their actions, their desire to make you happy – it all amounts to the fact that they want you to have expectations of them. They want you to look forward to meeting them. They want you to allow them to care for you the way you care for them. How lovely everything sounds till the ugly expectations raise their heads again! I think we need to revisit our very definition of what a relationship means.

The fine line you need to walk here is actually quite difficult – trust without expecting anything – if something is given, accept it with gratitude and if it isn’t, let it be – detachment is necessary if you want to maintain any kind of relationship. Continue to give if it is in your nature and if it isn’t, try and cultivate the kindness that is necessary to even think of the act of giving. In short, expect nothing, be grateful for what you receive and be happy when you are able to give. That, in my mind, is the secret to making and keeping friends in your life.