Back to Back

Lying in bed yet again on a forced regime of rest due to my moody back muscles spasming for no discernible reason the third time in a month, I find myself stuck with chores and work piled high and no way to do any of them. My mother is home and so I don’t have to worry about food which is a plus. The kids always get upset when I cannot take them out or bake with them or even watch movies with them (sitting is not an option). So after a day of this enforced confinement I thought I would just get on with some writing. If the damn spasm continues its painful existence, I would just live with it. Easier said than done of course.

What continues to amaze me is the lack of solutions on offer for this problem which is only related to a weakening of muscles and nothing more at this point. I am told to avoid bending, lifting, standing for too long, sitting for too long and all sudden movements. How is one to live like that? Sudden movements are my thing. I like doing everything quickly. I asked the doctor for a way to strengthen my muscles and he said there were a few exercises I could do. He also gave me painkillers that have so far not managed to make an iota of difference. They must be too polite and self-effacing I fear.

Like the good girl that I (mostly) am, I did all the exercises scrupulously until yesterday when I got a spasm in the middle of doing them (yes really – how’s that for irony!) To those who have no idea what I mean by a spasm, it feels like a huge electric shock followed by pain that if given a physical form would resemble an octopus. When struck by spasm lightning, I first curse everything around me. I then attempt to turn to my side and end up failing and in worse pain right back where I started. Again to anyone who needs help with their imagination, at this point I look like a cockroach on its back flailing its limbs helplessly and unable to turn over. More cursing ensures. I take a deep breath which ensures that the pain stabs viciously and in slow motion, manage to turn to my side. Victory! Well, partial victory – now I have to push down on my palms to lift myself up. This is no walk in the park. But at this point I am angry and uncaring of pain and I simply push and raise myself up till I can move my feet to the floor and get up. Why should I get up instead of lying down when in pain? Well, I like to see if I can get up because after years of this wonderful experience I have a fear of not being able to get up one day.

The rest can be summed up in fifty shades of pain and I am not going to write all that down. What irks me is the fact that anything I do to strengthen these damn muscles just ends up hurting me more. The biggest spasm of my life was after a yoga session last month where the lady insisted on me bending forward when I had told her quite clearly I was not allowed to do it.

“Oh go ahead”, said she airily “Your back is strong enough now.”

I went ahead. The next few days were one constant “AAAAAAHHH!”

I have now figured out that even if I become corpulent I am to avoid any back exercise at all. I can walk as always but no more attempting to solve this puzzling problem. Its probably karma at work or something or perhaps I am some kind of catch-all giant if-then-else statement where all the 'elses' end up. In any case, my back and I have parted ways mentally many years ago and the resultant uneasy marriage between us is bound to be unpleasant to say the least. In a more technologically advanced world I could simply divorce this annoying part of me and get a better endowed replacement but sadly this is all the fates have in store for me ;) – karma yet again!