Disconnected...

There are days when you feel as though you are floating on an ocean of disconnectedness - you don't understand anyone and no one understands you and you begin seeing things in a light that is entirely new - revelations are not always pleasant and shadows are sometimes preferable to light. There will always be days when you feel as though you are and always will be alone. These days may not occasion pain or sadness but they do engender a feeling of pointlessness in relationships. You can feel lonely anywhere and at any time. There is no defence against feeling disconnected.

The last couple of days saw me feeling the sense of disconnect very strongly. There didn’t seem to be any trigger or rather the trigger was something that I had discounted. I tried to reflect on the source of the disquiet that led me to feeling detached. For detachment always comes as a consequence of hurt. At least in my case it does.

I feel disconnected with people who have no time for me. I feel disconnected with people who take me for granted and who expect me to be tolerant beyond limits. Most of all I feel disconnected with people who once meant a lot to me and now do not create a ripple in my heart. I never actually believed that better material prospects and a fancier lifestyle would change relationships to such a degree that they cease to exist. But I was completely mistaken. There must be only a handful of fools who believe what they are told and trust implicitly. I am certainly one of those.

Perhaps this is how the world works. Proximity is convenience. Distance brings with it indifference. Even in today’s world where everyone is connected to everything at every single moment in time, distance is hard to overcome. Virtual lives only get you so far. The visceral impact of a real relationship is hard to beat after all.

I think I am an anachronism. Someone who should have ceased to exist a long time ago. The things I believe in appear outdated. The sentiments that I express seem long-winded and a waste of time. The truth is that in today’s reality people want abbreviated versions of everything. Even love is an acronym. Messages need to be only so many characters long. Relationships should have the lifespan of mayflies. More needs to be done in a shorter period of time. Who would understand a woman who appears to be frozen in time watching the world whizz past as she views the flickering lights of passing relationships?