On Envy...

I have never felt the need to envy anyone for most of my life. Yes we grew up without any great luxury and while we had enough and more love showered on us when we were growing up, we never had the kind of money that meant even a rare outing or a movie or that book I so wanted to read but was too scared to ask for. It didn’t really matter at the time because as kids we were very accommodating. We found simple ways to keep ourselves entertained and I believe all those hours writing and performing little plays with my siblings was the root of my creativity. We could make magical landscapes out of nothing more than an old sari or an inflatable mattress. The real joy of our childhood was the truth that we needed no other in our world and we were usually happy.

As an adult I have never felt the need to envy anyone the usual things that are the object of envy. I have never coveted another’s wealth, lifestyle or ability to make money. I have also not envied anyone else’s eyes or hair or figure or confidence. I have of course wanted things I couldn’t have but it never hurt me that another had them. This lack of envy was not because I was a spiritually superior being but rather because it simply did not matter to me. 

But today and every day I do envy most of those around me one thing – the luxury of being completely ignorant about the terrors parents of children with difficulties like me face. How easy it would have been had I not have had to worry about my child! Nothing matters as much as the desire to secure his life. How will I do that? When will there be enough resources at hand for me to ensure that at least monetarily he will not suffer? When will a day come that I don’t have to see how much this boy struggles? Why is there not more clarity as to how I can help him? Is the way we have embarked on, the only way or is it the toughest?

The feeling of holding on to envy does not sit well with me. I am by no means saying that there are none who envy me. Many do. Some do so unreasonably and slip into a cruel mode of trying to break my spirit so they can see me fail. Even that ceased to matter a long time back. I am also not saying that no one else has problems or that they have nothing to worry about. The stories as visible from outside are always far away from the truth of the reality that seethes inside. All I am saying is that for the first time in my life, I envy people something with a fierce intensity. It is a useless emotion of course. But it also happens to be distressingly human. It is with disappointment that I observe the envy in myself. It is one more thing I have to outgrow.

Envy does no one any good – least of all my child. I try to look at his handsome face with hope. I want to believe that all will be well. But that would be delusion of the highest sort. He will always have problems. People will cheat him. There is no way this innocent soul will survive in the rough world that awaits him. But we have to go on somehow. It is a blessing to have innocence, to have a pure heart, to shine with the radiance of unadulterated love. I hope these strengths will protect him as he grows up. I hope he never has reason to envy anyone their ‘normalcy’.