It rained last night. It rained all evening and late into
the night today as well. Rains either bring out the romance in my soul or
intensify the brooding nature of the thoughts that wind its way through my
mind. Either way, I love to hear and see, touch and smell the unexpected summer
showers that bring with them some relief from the heat. Today I just let my
thoughts play with each other while I worked. So many things go on in the
background of my mind that its quite interesting just to observe the collisions
between various trains of thoughts, the cyclical nature of some worries, the
deeply dug-in roots of certain attachments one must evict mercilessly, even
violently , in order to heal and move on.
We all hold on to so many things that might not do us any
good – phantoms from the past that threaten our balanced view of a difficult
situation now, annoyance at people who misunderstand us wilfully or at others
who simply take our plentiful caring with both hands and are too busy to give
us but grudging moments of attention in return, frustration at a crisis that
seems to require more patience than we can spare. Holding on to feelings that
bring us down no matter what the cause, is akin to sitting in the train with
our baggage on our heads – its an unnecessary burden and not only makes us look
stupid, it also stresses us out beyond tolerable limits.
I looked around at the ‘special-needs’ children in the
centre. Whether it’s the dude who refuses to talk by choice and whose face
lights up when I stop by to talk to him or the permanently happy fellow who
only needs an airtight schedule to feel content or the charming manipulator who
attempts to get out of doing his work any which way he can, they all take
things in their stride as much as possible. It is only an odd creature like
myself who is beset with thoughts and worries over a future I have no control
over – the children I work with are always only concerned with today and the
present. They don’t hold grudges either. And they all smile with more heart
than those of us who are simply too preoccupied to stop and appreciate what we
have. I think they know the secret of detachment better than anyone else.
I have always been afraid of letting go, of forgetting –
every moment and emotion is carefully stored and relived when I am in the mood
to do so. Memories are important to me and I cannot save them selectively. This
is why the hurt remains a hurt far longer than necessary and some trauma in
childhood takes over and colours situations so many years later. But it is also
why I can see so very clearly in my mind the moments of utter joy that I have
had the luck to experience – it is also why I can surprise the people I love
with exact descriptions and word-pictures of how they mean so much to me that I
don’t forget even a throwaway snippet of conversation that has been shared. The
trick perhaps is to leave memories be and accept that while they are a part of
me, they have had their time and do not need to influence my actions or
emotions today. Those that bring relief like these summer showers can be
treasured and those that bring back pain need to be acknowledged and released
into the passing winds. If I can do that much, I can perhaps be truly free…
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