Revelations.

Have you ever experienced a moment of revelation in your life? I have gone through a few but they are rare occurrences. The moments I am talking about are ones that provide great insight into a subject that you have up until then thought of only in one way. Of course there are many times when a simple change in point of view is brought about. Sometimes its a friend who makes you see things differently. Sometimes its words uttered by a child that turns your thinking around. Sometimes its the words in a book that jump out at you. I am not talking of those moments. I am talking of a moment when you are sitting quiet and suddenly a thought of such startling clarity and simplicity flashes into your mind that you are astounded that you had never known it before.

I remember clearly one day about six years ago when I had such a moment. I was brushing my hair in front of the mirror and for the first time in many years, actually paid attention to the reflection before me. I couldn’t recognize the colourless creature I had become. I did not seem to care how I looked. I did not have the joy of living anywhere about me. The worst part was my eyes – they were pools of disinterest. They looked lifeless. That’s when it hit me that I was so unhappy and that my days consisted mainly of following a forced routine so that I didn’t get much time to think about my unhappiness even for a minute. 

And just like that I made a promise to myself to start living life with interest and perhaps a bit of selfishness – with the desire to fill myself with joy and to be a better wife and mother by actually allowing myself to be happy. That one moment changed me in a big way. I went out and got myself a job. I made friends after years of being cooped up in a house. I remembered how to laugh, how to go out for an occasional lunch just for the heck of it, how it felt to be part of a team.

Another moment came to me a few days ago. I was grappling for days with the hurt from the fact that someone whom I cared for could leave without apology or even a word of closure. I understood the need for it of course but I prefer always to close the loop with my friends. It leaves less of a bad taste in the mouth and one can actually deal with it quite stoically. I wondered how it was so effortless for some to close their mind to things they didn’t wish to contemplate. I wasn’t very clear-headed about the fact that sometimes there is no point in even trying to figure out what goes on in another’s mind. I was even bitter to some extent that I, who pride myself on being quite smart, made yet another error of judgement. If I was hard on my friend in my mind, I was rather merciless on myself. 

This then was what was going through my mind when all of a sudden I had this revelation. It didn’t matter. My purpose in life wasn’t to keep hurting when I did stupid things. Clearly I would never stop doing that! My purpose in life was to be happy doing the things I love with the people I love – not with the people who perhaps never understood me at all. My purpose was to fulfil every promise I made to my family and to myself. My purpose was to move on always despite any odds and to do so with my head held high. With the revelation came a detachment as well. Only I had the power to make me unhappy and from now on I would forever choose not to. 

I love these rare moments of clarity. I don’t relish the turbulence that my mind goes through before the calm hits it but it is all worthwhile to feel that blanket of utter certainty envelop you. Once you experience these moments, you look at everything in your life with more appreciation, you learn to be grateful – most of all you learn to respect yourself for the new understanding that floods your being. Here’s to more revelations....