Set free

Two large eyes look back at me. They are questioning. Why is the world so confusing? Why do we ask him to do tasks that seem completely meaningless? Why can’t you see how tuned in I am to what I need and only force your wants on me? They are my son's eyes – beautiful and clear but nowadays more often than not swimming in tears because what used to be merely confusing previously is now bewildering beyond belief.

We have a difficult relationship my son and I. We don’t see eye to eye on anything. I am the impatient mother always trying to tell him what to do and berating him for not listening. He is the eternal carefree child even at age eleven – always seeking joy and laughing at the simplest things – reveling in little pleasures. We are two extremes. I want him to be bent and shaped to fit in with the rest of the world because to stand out would be a crime. He wants to be set free with his mind soaring to heights I cannot even imagine. 

With my logical brain and conforming nature, I am yet unhappy a lot of the time. I do as I am told or as I have been told is ‘right’. I have followed well-beaten paths all my life. I never strayed and explored the interesting sights that beset the road. And I am gifted with a child who will never ever even comprehend the idea of a path already laid out. He will forge his own ways through life and I will have to stand by and watch perhaps not even understanding why he chooses to go where I could never follow. But he is happy and I do believe he will always be so. Maybe what appears to me to be an invisible path is really quite clear in his mind – he knows what he wants and he knows how to get it but he will not let me in on his secret. So I continue to fret and worry and go through a thousand headaches because I do not know what the future holds for this fairy child.

Sometimes I long for normalcy – when I see my friends complaining about how much they have to work at raising their neurotypical kids, I smile sadly. I count myself lucky that my child is someone capable of unstinting love and affection. He is a master of living in the moment. If only I could learn from him, my days would be far easier and my nights more restful. Of all my son’s different ways of enjoying life, my favourite is his rousing belly laughter – it sounds the same now as it did when he was a few months old – a whole body shaking , eyes-closed, totally immersed kind of laughter – so contagious that no matter how blue I am I laugh out loud when I hear it – so indicative of happiness that the whole world looks brighter – so beautiful to see that my heart skips a beat...if I had but one wish granted to me , it would be that my son should always keep his laughter...