The hours pass slowly but then the hours of pre-dawn pass slowly for anyone who cannot sleep. I lie on my side trying to close my eyes and shut down my chattering mind. All that I do during the day to avoid thinking really doesn’t work in the dark. But then I am used to this lack of sleep – what I find difficult to cope with is the fact that the number of worries that plague me seem to be growing and not diminishing.
I am not a passive acceptor of this entire scenario though I am guilty of worrying more than can be good for me. I have embarked on a process of self-discovery in the hopes that some inner core will give me the strength to simply get through some days. I have often wondered whether having an escape valve of sorts would help. If I had but two days to be just about anything, to do just about anything with no lines drawn and no one to look over my shoulder even metaphorically, would I feel free? What would I do given the freedom to simply be? Knowing my routine-bound self, I would probably read a book and not go over to the wild side but the idea that absolute freedom, at least for a little while, now and again, might be in my power opens up possibilities I have never considered.
The problems ahead do not faze me as much as the feeling of being tied down permanently by responsibilities that no other can share. I have wonderful friends who sympathize – some even have a considerable degree of empathy. I have siblings who are ever ready to reassure. I have a spouse who is wholly involved with the family. Despite this, there are days when no one else can do what I must or even feel what I do – it is a universal truth no doubt and not something that is exclusive to me. Everyone has problems and mine are as ordinary to others as theirs are to me – all I want is the power to distance myself from them once in a while so that the pain can ebb and flow instead of throb heavily every moment. That is not too much to dream of I think. When I was a little girl, I had lofty dreams and plenty of sleep – now even my dreams do not have the power to fly and sleep is as elusive as a good cup of tea in Bangalore ;-)
2 comments:
It is a common problem that you have and I can tell you that when we listen to other peoples issues ours seem trivial. That is the beauty of life-and without struggles there is nothing. One day everything will be ok and then you will sleep blissfully.
Yes - one way to get out of the whirlpool of thoughts would be to go out and identify with someone else's issues - I have had that experience as well ...
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