Such is life.

I went for a walk in the night. It was drizzling and chilly. I didn’t care. I walked because I wanted to cool down. I walked because I needed the fresh air to ease the burning ache. I walked because when you walk in the rain, no one can see your tears. I don’t know to solve that which is always before me. I have a few days where I can smile and laugh with my heart light and far enough from pain that I actually feel happy. But the rest of the days I just try to cope. There will always be a meltdown or an episode where my child is in a world of pain without a trigger of any kind. I am always on guard. I can never relax. My shoulders feel like they are so wound up they can never unwind. People tell me to chill. To take it easy. Yeah right. There is no easy for me or my son. Walking doesn’t change anything but it loosens some of the more painful knots so I can gulp in mouthfuls of air and remind myself that despite the terrible feeling inside, I am alive.

I came back and sat in the midst of people talking and laughing with no one knowing that all I wanted to do at that point was curl into a ball and try to keep that agonizing hurt under control. The hardest part is the need to put up a façade of cheerfulness. No one likes a sad face. Many would not understand why I am yet unused to these episodes. They will merely say – well you knew this might happen right – all you can do is deal with it. Its true – after so many years perhaps I should be used to it. I should be inured to pain. But I am not. With considerable effort I brought myself back to whatever conversation everyone was having and went on with my evening.

Such is life. No matter how hard I try, I cannot protect my son. I have to sit and watch as he goes through things that no one should have to go through. I cannot help. I am merely a useless witness. If there was some way I could take on the pain that my child lives through so uncomplainingly, I would. But then that is why there is no God – I cannot even for a moment make his life easier when he needs my help the most. I simply watch. I have to be brave. I can’t lose it. I cannot even cry. Such is life.