To laugh with...

 Sometimes days go by when I keep my mind from indulging in its deepest worries. I can even go a week without letting my fears get the better of me. That is a distinct improvement over my mental state a decade ago when not a moment would pass that the worry didn’t overwhelm me and render me panic-stricken and too anxious to function normally. I don’t recall being able to smile even for days together. But when my baby girl came into my life I learnt how to smile again. The worry was mitigated by the ability to feel happiness.

Today when I look back at the years traversed all I can see is the tremendous amount of pain and hardship my son has had to go through and continues to go through. He is such a happy kid despite all that and that is a huge blessing for those of us who love him. If I had to go through a tenth of what my child had to endure, I doubt I would have survived. And yet this boy of mine is so utterly lovable and such a champion hugger that I know there will always be love in his life in some way or the other.

As a mother however I still yearn for him to have friends – for someone to want his presence in their life, for someone who will call him home and laugh and play and talk with him without regard for time and with true enjoyment. How do I explain to people who tell me not to worry that they will never understand this unbearable agony? It is not the fact that my child will never be considered ‘normal’ or ‘acceptable’ that bothers me. After all I am hardly normal myself. It is the fear that there will never be one who laughs with him instead of at him when I am gone. Do you know how hard it is to live with that feeling and that fear every single day? I pray you never will know.

I always write on Autism Awareness Day – not because I need to be reminded of it but because I see so many hopeful messages on one side and stark reality on the other that I cannot not write about it. My friends care enough to tell me to stay positive despite the tough days. And I try but reality has a weight all on its own that drags down one’s spirits during the times when nothing goes well. And these very friends panic when their children have an ordinary fever – would they have been able to bear a lifetime of panic? So yes positivity is great but it requires a foundation of belief. When the belief is torn down and rebuilt painstakingly every single day, it is not always possible to be positive.

I still pray everyday for this child of mine to shine bright. He has his place in the sun. I hope he will revel in it. I hope he will have the strength to be alone. Most of all I hope he finds that special someone who will hold his hand and laugh with him…