Fighting the blue

Blue is never just a colour. It is also a state of mind. Some days, despite trying really hard, it’s the only colour you feel deep inside. Yes, one does simply go on with the day but the whiff of sadness never completely passes. The smile lacks lustre. The eyes have the glimmer of unshed tears. The lips soften and tremble often. It is not something that is put on. Sadness lies inside nearly always – happiness is a cultivated habit and a constant work-in-progress. 

Days that leave in their wake a sense of pain are pretty much the norm in my life. It is not a crippling pain or perhaps I never let it cripple me but it is there in the background and life goes on despite it. It is easy to make me slip away from happiness. I hear the story of a friend who is going through perhaps the toughest time in her life. She lives far away and I cannot help beyond lending a ear and attempting to show her a different perspective on the problem she struggles with. Closure will take a long time I suspect. Yes, I know, its not my problem but it is hard to shut out a cry for help or stay detached from some other’s pain especially if the other is a friend.

My son has been difficult for the past three days. Today appears no different. It is perhaps one of the biggest curses of autism to not be able to take a break in routine and then get back seamlessly. He was ill for a few days and so he did not go to the centre. Monday morning saw him determined to make us crazy. Nothing worked – bribes, threats, cajoling – nothing at all. After a few hours of this I had had it. My partner however, is persistent and is the only one I know who will not take a no for an answer even when the going gets incredibly tough. So she kept him till late evening and even managed to get him to do some work. It was the same on Tuesday and Wednesday. I dread the coming day – it is not even 8:30 and already I know he will gives us a hard time today as well. I realize it is part of the disorder but somehow that does not really make it any easier.

It is hard to find causes to not be blue on days where every single thing makes you want to give up trying. I get weary to my very soul – weary of trying to understand a disorder that makes no sense sometimes, weary of stretching myself thin emotionally and financially, weary of trying to keep in check the hurt that comes from neglect by the very friends who used to make my life that much brighter just by being part of it. I am even weary of trying to drum up an appetite when all I do is lose weight anyway. Two hard-earned kilos have slipped away in the last two weeks. Well, to look on the bright side, I get a chance to buy myself some new jeans soon enough!

The day has only started and I will, as always, fight the blue…