Gestures

A good friend of mine was chatting with me the other day. We were talking of this and that. I was pestering her to come and visit sometime. We had met after 14 years just this past year and it was lovely to get back to talking like we had never stopped. It never ceases to surprise me that when you have been very close to someone, you can always get back to connecting with them so seamlessly that the years apart mean nothing at all. Deep relationships are like that – the connection is at the heart – none of the layers you build up after will change that.

She then told me how much she enjoyed meeting S at last. He is a quiet sort not given to chatting or trying to create an impression and she told me last year that there was something about his calmness that everyone in her family found appealing. Her exact words were “there is something soothing about him – quietly flavourful like a perfect cup of tea” – her family of course thought I was the ultimate chatterbox albeit with great hair ;-)

I told her I was gratified that she of all people could understand my husband so quickly. Most people do not see his strengths that easily. He tends to get less attention because of his effacing nature. His diplomatic ways also ensure that he is never actively disliked. He makes friends very rarely since the very same distancing also makes it hard for him to share his thoughts with anyone else. I go around making friends and enemies with alacrity – no one can ignore me – its always been either love or hate. Sometimes I wonder how two such different people have managed to get along so well for so long. We met as almost strangers three days before our very arranged marriage. We became friends and more as time flew past. We discover new facets to our relationship with every passing year. He is still quiet and I am still talkative.

The last thing she said before she signed off was “I could see in his eyes the shining light of pride whenever he looked at you. The idea that you are his wife brings him joy.” I gaped in surprise and told her quite honestly that I never saw that. “Its because you are blind – open your eyes wide and just look at what you have. You are one lucky woman.” I logged out from the chat in a very thoughtful mood. Was it true? Did I not notice anything? I prided myself on being able to catch subtlety and nuances – how come I didn’t see the writing on the wall? Of course I knew S respected me and loved me – I am his wife after all – but I never have given him anything to be proud about. And yet in one meeting, my friend had noticed something that I never realized. 

Perhaps its because I need words. Affirmations are important to me. I might be too dense to notice the eyes when I am busy waiting to hear the right sounds. Have I been like this all my life? Did I go through so many years unaware of the feelings of others because they have never expressly said so? I always state what I feel – am genuinely affectionate by nature and I show I care in a hundred different ways. But that doesn’t mean that people who are not prone to verbalizing, feel any less than those able to find the right words.

My friend is right. I have been blind. I can look back at so many people that I failed to understand in their depth because I was waiting for verbal declarations. Even with my children I sometimes expect words that they don’t have. So focused have I been on the words that I missed the gestures that mattered. It took a friend to show me the simple truth that I have not really opened my eyes to the love around me...