To dance...

I sit on the couch at the end of a long day with the TV playing as I watch more or less unseeingly. I think of this and that while my thoughts slide around in a lazy manner for even my thoughts are too tired to cause me problems. And then I see her, my little sprite, her permanently messy hair swirling about her face as her limbs sway and her body moves in time to some silly jingle.

My girl can dance to anything and everything. Any tune that takes her fancy has her jumping out of her seat and bursting into a dance. It’s a revelation to me that there can be inside anyone this level of joy which needs but a tune to emerge in the form of carefree dance. How irrepressible is the spirit of children! My tired eyes look at her and find fresh energy. I start smiling without knowing that I am smiling.

My day is always long and I am always too exhausted to find energy at the end of it. Its good exhaustion though; the kind that comes from working on something meaningful and necessary. And yet the last hour on the couch sees me asking the kids to fetch me water or some other little indulgence because I cannot summon the energy to do it myself. They oblige and while Appu seems tired on some days, Mahi is bubbly till she pulls the quilt up under her chin and drifts off to sleep.

Today I watch her dance to the theme music of a detective show. Each day she yells “Look Amma – new steps!” and comes up with different steps for the same song. How light she is on her feet and how easily she can dance! I have always been too self-conscious and the weight of that self-consciousness has never left my feet. They appear leaden in comparison with my daughter’s. I think back to my childhood and wonder if I too was as light on my feet once but I cannot clearly remember this kind of happy dancing. I know I did twirl like any little girl would. But I also know that most often I would hold my limbs to myself and sit ever so quiet even when the most tempting songs came my way.

As one grows older, the weight of responsibilities and expectations seems to flow into every part of our bodies till each part feels heavier. Of course I know people who can dance no matter what their age and it is not of actual dance that I talk about. The feeling of lightness that makes life feel like a dance is part of the nature of children. One loses that lightness over time as the deposit of fears, worries and anxieties begin to add up.

My little one dances now. I see her and laugh in delight at the beauty of her childish grace. Beneath the laughter is a prayer – a prayer that she keeps her lightness and her spirit to dance away the blues for all time. Along with the prayer is a fond wish that in another life maybe I too will learn how to dance…

New dawns...

As always another year dawns. As always there are celebrations and resolutions. As always the end of the old year is a good time to look back at milestones and wonder what the year ahead holds for us. What is important though is to look back with gratitude and to look forward with hope for without gratitude for the days we have been given, we cannot in anyway learn to appreciate the days we have ahead.

The past year has seen a series of highs and possibly a record of lows as well but then that is life. The lessons I have learnt are the lessons that anyone would learn from a roller coaster ride of dizzying highs and nauseating lows. The first one is to not let either the highs or lows get to you. If you overly celebrate the euphoric moments, then the lows feel even worse. It is best to step back and take everything in your stride by not letting your inner self get too carried away. You cannot experience great joy without also opening yourself up to great pain. But you can accept and be grateful and you certainly can distance yourself from that which causes you pain. Life is not in anyone’s control but your reactions to pain, to success, to failure, to unfair treatment, to betrayal – these define you. The reactions are yours to take control of. They are the only things you can shape so that you end up balanced instead of tossed madly about in the choppy waves of your creation.

The next lesson is that of balance. I understand the general movement towards positivity and the strength in visualising things as much better than they are but what few people remember is that a constant radiation of positivity is not healthy especially when it does not flow naturally. How long can you fake positivity if you cannot really see the bright side in every setback? Undue negativity is harmful to both body and mind but unrelenting positivity is not beneficial either. As in all things in life what is desperately required in most lives is harmony. A balance in dealing with life’s offering tempered by a large dose of acceptance and a distinct absence of overthinking. Always easier said than done and yet we all can achieve balance if we seek to.

The other lesson I have learnt is that most people in my life lack empathy. They think the passage of years takes away the spearing ache of loss of a loved one. True, there is dullness built up over time but if you have an iota of empathy, you will know that the kind of grief that fills one on such a loss is not something that you forget in a day and it certainly is not something that you leave another alone to face day after day after day. If you only feel another’s pain once you have experienced comparable grief then you do not have empathy. I have learnt that I have it within me to forgive the lack of empathy in another and continue to support those who need it while they are grieving. It is a valuable lesson to know that I can forgive - it is also curiously liberating to know that those I believed were stronger were quite clearly not so. Oftentimes we underestimate our own value and play down our strengths. In the New Year, I will seek to believe in myself more.

In this past year I have seen transformed friends bathe in the waters of vanity to the extent that they notice nothing around them but their selfies. I have seen people try to tear down something simply because they are jealous of the accomplishments of others. I have seen idols fall. I have seen great things happen simply because of hard work. I have lost faith in something that I thought was a truth. I have realized the strength of my roots. And I have found a river of dogged endurance in me that I thought had dried up to nothing at all.

The New Year will continue to teach all of us lessons in faith, endurance, sparing a moment for another, dealing with loss and not losing your head over success. It will remind us to be kind and compassionate. It will try us for a while and see if we can make the cut. But most importantly it gives us 365 more days to choose what we want to do and do it. For all of my friends and loved ones, may the new year be one of good choices, self-belief and the ability to be kind – may you be healed of old wounds – may you find within you the strength to go after your dreams.

To exist ...

It will come to you as a sudden revelation. Or in the case of some people it will probably never come at all. Only the annoying thinkers are plagued with the burden of analysing life and retracing one’s steps or looking over the shoulder endlessly. I am one such idiot and no matter how hard I try to not do any of that, the thoughts continue to flow through my mind – one after the other, ceaselessly battering against my defences. My revelation was simple though this time. It hit me that I have never dared to follow my dream simply because I was too bothered about my duties and responsibilities.

Yes its true that one has to live in this society and do certain things in certain ways. If you are a young girl, you get married off after college. If you get married, you must have children. If you have children, you must look after them. If you are brilliant, you will still put yourself second to every other member of your immediate family. You will push your dream so far on the back burner, that it will cease to exist and one fine day you simply don’t want to go on as you are. My revelation hit me so hard, you could have knocked me down with a feather. My upbringing that was designed to offer little or no exposure, the conditioning that made me  feel constantly guilty, the voices all around that told me to support another for all time but never take a moment out to say that I didn’t want to do it, I simply wanted to live my own life – the one that I was born into alone and the one that I will leave on my own – all of these together prevented me from seeing the writing on the wall. You have one life. It is not to be lived for another no matter how many people say that a real woman always sacrifices.

To write in the midst of myriad responsibilities. To be a lone parent sixty percent of the time.  To teach on days one cannot even lift one’s head.  To break down in solitude over and over again when the days are so hard that you simply cannot cope. To sit and wonder – what on earth happened that made me do whatever was necessary for others’ dreams and do nothing about my own! There lay the path to self-annihilation. There is no excuse for neglecting one’s self so totally that no one else gives a damn or if they do it is for purely selfish reasons. Many women fall into this ridiculous trap. Just as many others piggyback onto their spouses’ glory to boast needlessly. Neither is necessary. Every single human being has a path to follow in life. If it means choosing it against whatever comfort zone you have created, if it means going against the grain, if it means giving up relationships in order to forge a true one with yourself, you still have to do it. Or else it is as though you have never existed.

Leave well alone

I am glad that the one ability I possess is that of writing. It ensures that at no time am I friendless. It ensures that the deepest darkest phase of despair will not see me reach for a convenient rope because I sit and put down in black and white what is bothering me and then get on with my life be it ever so hard at that particular moment. Escaping from this world is easier that living with challenges. My escape is writing.

There are days when you wish to vent to someone, anyone really because things get out of hand. Friends come and go or are busy, spouses tend to be occupied with their own issues sometimes, extended family most usually have no clue what is happening in my mind. So my one option is to write. I don’t have to face a busy tone, or a friend interrupted from shopping/partying/ facebooking or a spouse desperately trying not to let on how many problems he is juggling. I just hammer away at my keys till calm descends on me once again.

In an ideal world, you get support from the quarters you expect. The recent article written on me didn’t go down well with some of my friends and family. Apparently my talking about autism and accepting the label instead of denying it is what caused autism in the first place. A friend who has not spoken to me in years because she is busy calls me up the day the article was published to ask me what my son would do if he read those words written by the columnist. I asked her if she was so interested in the child she had seen from babyhood, why had she not even once in the past three years, actually called to find out how he was doing? I then told her if my son ever got to the stage where he could read and understand what was in the column regardless of his reaction to me, I would be the happiest person on earth. She obviously got more upset. It amazes me that people who have no stake or interest in my child’s welfare should choose to tell me whether what I do is right or wrong.

Then I got another call in the night. This time it was to say that the use of the word ‘autism’ is what creates ‘autism’. In other words its alright to call a deaf child deaf or a blind child blind, but if its autism do not talk of it, call it something else and pray. Autism will miraculously disappear. As a mother I was endangering the child by my relentless advocacy to give children with special needs a chance to live productively in society. Why couldn’t I just deal with my child (without labels) and why did I have to work with so many of ‘those’ children so that this label was in the life of my child nearly always? I said that burying my head in the sand was not an option. And praying while doing nothing was also not an option. Again someone who calls but despite having the chance for many years, does nothing to teach the child or engage him in any way has no right to tell anyone what to do. Challenges are one thing. People who are constantly negative and critical are another thing entirely. Having done nothing of value themselves, they seek then to bring down everyone because that is far easier and more satisfying than doing one productive thing in their entire existence.

It is true that everyone has their own path in life. It behoves the rest of the world to leave them to it. If help is needed extend a hand or not , according to your nature but don’t bring down someone who faces an uphill challenge every single day. One day your actions will get to you too – no one is immune from the repercussions of harsh words and selfish intentions. Try and put yourself in the other’s shoes. And if you still don’t get it, understand enough to leave them alone.

Life Lessons from a show

I look at my blog list and see that I have been rather remiss at writing these past few months. Perhaps it is solely due to the fact that I seem to be able to take more turbulent changes with equanimity these days. The reason could be that most of the undesirable elements in my life have cleared out or it could simply be that I have seen such a degree of pain that normal disturbances or even abnormal ones are manageable in this particular state of mind.

The last month saw our little centre achieve an unprecedented level of success with the hosting of our superb exhibition. The children outdid themselves and the response was, to put it mildly, phenomenal. I felt immensely proud of them all and especially of my partner who has the ability to dream those dreams that are beyond my capacity to envision. Our friends (those who took the time to come) and families were so proud. I realized that those who verbally promise support even with their presence are often those who never do make an appearance. I also realize that those who publicly and privately proclaim their desire to aid will be the ones who merely pat us on the back and say “good job!” as though we were a particularly well behaved sort of dog.

Five newspapers carried our story. We had radio presence. TV 9 covered us. The hard work of months was rewarded by the amazement and delight of those who saw the art work on display. We also sold 90 percent of the pieces and got commissions for the young artists. We could not have asked for more. I feel grateful beyond measure as I look back on our impossibly difficult journey.

Every step of my life in the last 14 years has been hard. Most people would not understand that statement in the least. Problems that go away or that you can conveniently forget or buy off are those that do not scar you very long. Those that stay with you change you in ways that could mean a positive improvement or a depressive stance. One thing I have vowed to myself since my last birthday was that from now on I will speak my mind with no thought of diplomacy when I need to make things clear. I have been painfully polite to my detriment in many cases. I have helped beyond my capacity. I have stretched myself thin by being ‘nice’. I have been treated as though I did not matter or as though time spent with me was something that could be squeezed into a schedule most convenient to the squeezer. Being an afterthought in another’s life happens only if you let it happen. No one needs to be cut and shaped to fit into an available slot. No one needs to be too nice. If you believe in who you are, don’t compromise.

The exhibition brought us a lot of recognition and respect. It taught us that no matter how difficult the journey seems, if you are true at heart to what you value, things will work out. We all have a long way to go yet. The kids need more solutions. But as of today we are better poised to provide them with more options. When you serve out of passion, good things come your way. Always remember to cherish yourself and your ideas so that this one life you are gifted with is made worthwhile. Stay true. Be grateful. Learn.