Tentacled thoughts...

I have been out of sorts lately. Not unwell. Not in any way inconvenienced. Just out of sorts. It happens to me when I am not writing. It is almost as if the thoughts that hurt me spread their tentacles into my mind and body and hold on tenaciously unless I write. When I write, the tentacle grips of my thoughts release their hold on me and I am loose and relaxed once more. I know not the beauty of total relaxation but I doubt anyone who writes can know the feeling of being completely free of the compulsion to put thought to words and onto paper. So I thought I would write whatever came into my mind or rather whatever has been unsettling me so that I can face tomorrow with a fresh mind and stronger effort.

I was thinking of the inevitability of letting go of certain people who can never mean what they once meant. I have written a lot on the effect of distance on a relationship but the effect of callousness is much greater. When someone decides there is no time to spare or the time spared for a relationship is burdensome, then there is no relationship. When the weight of the words unsaid far exceeds that of the words spoken between two people, there is no longer a bond. I thought of the many people I had known – friends, those more than friends, those newcomers who managed to make a place in my heart and wonder how a moment’s callousness or unwillingness to take time can irreparably destroy something that took years to build. 

Is there a purpose in spending time knowing people and caring for them if it takes but a minute to dissolve the bond that was built? The answer I have come up with it is that it is not the relationship that matters in the end, it is what has changed in you that matters – how many happy moments you have carved out of a life that would otherwise be ordinary, how many lives you have affected, how many times the bond has given you strength to move forward when you never thought you could. Every relationship that has taught you love, hurt, betrayal, hope has also taught you how to deal with all of it – it is in the learning that you grow as a person.

I also thought of a friend who seems to be going through a really tough phase. I can see the hurt and the pain and even the confusion. The answers come to me but I don’t share them. I see mistakes about to be made but I cannot actually stop them from happening. The truth is that there are certain circumstances when even with the best intentions all you can do is stand and watch and let someone make their mistakes. You can also be there when they need comfort. Knowing when to keep quiet is a valuable learning.

My other thoughts had to do with never ending work – when will the day come when our little centre can stand on its own feet and flourish – when all the days of work achieve fruition and when we can sit back and actually smile with relief at a job well done? I worry about being able to visualize my future and that of my loved ones. Sometimes the same thoughts go around in my mind so many times that I greet them as old friends. Sometimes new thoughts come and mingle with the old overpowering them for a while and then fading away leaving me once again with my old friends. If I sit and observe my thoughts, I know they never change in essence but I also know that their tenor changes and the way I view them changes. That is entirely due to the impact of life’s lessons – you may worry or think endlessly about those problems you cannot solve but eventually you will learn to accept them and view them as sources of strength and inspiration rather than issues you must resolve at all cost.

Thus ends my ramblings for the day – an ode to thoughts …

Presently yours...

There is something about acceptance that opens the floodgates of happiness into your life. I don’t talk of accepting anything and everything or being indifferent to painful moments. I talk about simply accepting when things change, when a natural organic transformation occurs and you realize that instead of living in the past you must let the present be the most important thing in your life. For some people and I admit to being one of them, the past assumes too much significance. I look over my shoulder so much that it is a wonder I am not permanently lopsided. All of the looking back did me no good whatsoever. I have not yet learnt to be perfectly in the present but I am trying and perhaps one day it will come on its own.

The future is another kettle of fish entirely though. Even if one schools oneself to let go, at least temporarily, of the past there is yet the worry for what the future holds. Our entire lives, we are trained to think of what we have to do in order to get where we are told we must go. A baby needs to hold up its head, turn over, crawl, babble and ultimately walk and talk to everyone’s satisfaction. Then the child must be admitted to the perfect school with perfect teachers which is more of a fantasy than anything Terry Pratchett could come up with. Then of course the child must do extremely well in school – or at least well enough that the neighbours grow green with envy. Every single moment we are trained to think of how to live for the moments to come. Only children, as a friend of mine told me yesterday, are capable of living in the present but we beat it out of them thoroughly given enough time.

Therefore I get back to talking of the past. No one can leave the past behind them for it is what makes us who we are but we can choose our reaction to it. There is no need for what is done and over with to claim our actions or lead us on to a path of unhappiness. Choosing to let the past weaken its hold over us is the first step to finding meaning in the present alone. You can only control what you are doing right now. Try and do what you do with hope and a prayer on your lips. Try not to wonder if it can be done any better by anyone else or whether you will end up regretting doing it at all. Simply take a deep breath and put your all into what you want to do, your passion, your belief, your being and then you find you cannot go wrong. 

I worry about the future when I cannot envision it. I worry about it for my child even when I can envision it. Worry sours life to such an extent that you would fear to try anything new. And yet there is one thing that I have consciously changed about myself. In the last five years, I have done things I have not thought possible for me to do. Despite feeling visceral fear, I have done them. Some maybe laudable and some not but at least I have felt alive at those moments when I decided to simply go ahead and act. That is why living in the present is so magical - it makes you do instead of dream…

Disconnected...

There are days when you feel as though you are floating on an ocean of disconnectedness - you don't understand anyone and no one understands you and you begin seeing things in a light that is entirely new - revelations are not always pleasant and shadows are sometimes preferable to light. There will always be days when you feel as though you are and always will be alone. These days may not occasion pain or sadness but they do engender a feeling of pointlessness in relationships. You can feel lonely anywhere and at any time. There is no defence against feeling disconnected.

The last couple of days saw me feeling the sense of disconnect very strongly. There didn’t seem to be any trigger or rather the trigger was something that I had discounted. I tried to reflect on the source of the disquiet that led me to feeling detached. For detachment always comes as a consequence of hurt. At least in my case it does.

I feel disconnected with people who have no time for me. I feel disconnected with people who take me for granted and who expect me to be tolerant beyond limits. Most of all I feel disconnected with people who once meant a lot to me and now do not create a ripple in my heart. I never actually believed that better material prospects and a fancier lifestyle would change relationships to such a degree that they cease to exist. But I was completely mistaken. There must be only a handful of fools who believe what they are told and trust implicitly. I am certainly one of those.

Perhaps this is how the world works. Proximity is convenience. Distance brings with it indifference. Even in today’s world where everyone is connected to everything at every single moment in time, distance is hard to overcome. Virtual lives only get you so far. The visceral impact of a real relationship is hard to beat after all.

I think I am an anachronism. Someone who should have ceased to exist a long time ago. The things I believe in appear outdated. The sentiments that I express seem long-winded and a waste of time. The truth is that in today’s reality people want abbreviated versions of everything. Even love is an acronym. Messages need to be only so many characters long. Relationships should have the lifespan of mayflies. More needs to be done in a shorter period of time. Who would understand a woman who appears to be frozen in time watching the world whizz past as she views the flickering lights of passing relationships?